What ifs

I received an email the other day from a guy I used to work with. We keep in touch occasionally, so its always good to hear from him. I like hearing about what's going on at the ol' Carl Walker, Inc., where I spent nearly 3 years of my life. Seems as though things are pretty much the same. Ray is... Ray. The guys are super busy. Life goes on. Andy mentioned that Ray'd probably hire me back if I wanted to come back. I'm sure he was mostly joking, but it definitely got the gears turning. When I said goodbye to work Sarah almost one year ago, I pretty much put her away for good. At least for a good 4 or 5 years until Gideon is in school. But the what ifs got me thinking. I loved working, really I did. I enjoyed most every aspect of my job, and did it well. I vividly remember dressing daily for something, each day outfitted in a sassy skirt and top. Matching shoes and purse. The works. I felt good. I felt important. I remember walking in my heels across the marble floor of our office building each morning, coffee in hand, and hearing the click clack of my shoes on the floor. Each click spoke volumes as to me as a person. "I am a working woman. I have a carefree, kid free life. I have disposable income and dinner plans." And each day I'd click clack to the fourth floor and start my day. Until one day the click clacks started echoing something different. Replaced where hollow sounds of "my life is wonderful, why am I not so happy. My husband is great, our life is great, but something is missing." Then along came Gideon. Who knew a 19 pound spitting, crying, climbing, chewing, monster was what was missing? And then giving up the heels, the carefree plans, the long bubble baths whenever I wanted, didn't seem so bad. Most days now I wear flip flops through the house. Each thwarp of my sandal now echos a very different life. "20 minutes until naptime is over, get moving on the chores! No! No! No! said a thousand times. And various kid show theme songs sung over and over in my head, with each step I take. Things are so much different now. At this point in my life I never expected to be a mother. After a few years of trying, I'd pretty much given up. And then along came Gideon and changed everything. I now measure everything by what time naps start and stop. I gauge going out to dinner on many factors now- finances, mood of my kiddo, general loudness of the restaurant we're about to invade. Everything in my life now is carefully planned. It is so much different than it once was. And I wouldn't change it for anything. The highlight of my day is seeing Gideon's smiling face when he wakes up in the morning. There are days that my hair stays in a pony tail and I don't even get coffee. There are days when my outfit is spit up on numerous times, and even times I don't change it. But then there are days when I can tell something has clicked with Gideon and he gets it- learns something new or masters a skill. Those days I feel like I'm on top of the world. Nope. Wouldn't go back to the heels if they doubled my salary. It was a nice week, thinking about what might have been. But there are just too many things I'd miss here to go back. No amount of money or prestige is worth that. When Gideon takes his first steps soon, I want to be there. And when he discovers ice cream, I want to share it with him. One day I know when he laces up his tennies and climbs on that big, yellow bus, I'll know it's time to dust off the heels and head off to click clack. Until then, I'll just thwarp around in my flip flops following an almost toddler around the world as he discovers all it has to offer.